My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
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me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift