How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
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emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.