No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
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I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.