[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
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“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
FINE, I WON’T.
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!