A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
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I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”