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Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!