hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
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My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable