Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
You Might Also Like
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
Kids: Stay in school.
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol