On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
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I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
We need more people like this.
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
At least my masseuse has my back.
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
When someone asks me what my dream job is it’s just like “I don’t know dude, I don’t dream about jobs”
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what