*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
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Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.