What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
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To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
Still my favorite headline of all time:
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.