Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
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Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
Need this in my life lol
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?