I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
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[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.