Butt weight. There’s more!
You Might Also Like
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.