A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
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Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “