If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
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Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
Wedding planning is organized crime.
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.