Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
You Might Also Like
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
The Backseat Boys
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
True
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”