Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
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THEN: Pizza
NOW: Cauliflower Pizza
THEN: Mashed Potatoes
NOW: Mashed Cauliflower
THEN: Fried Rice
NOW: Cauliflower Rice
THEN: Steak
NOW: Cauliflower Steak
THEN: Leather Jacket
NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat
THEN: A Car
NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
Nice try, NASA
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading