Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
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Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
You are what you delete.
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
Cats are still liquid.
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.