*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
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Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
Never mess with a drunken pig.
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.