why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
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Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
this isn’t threatening at all
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date