how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
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got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.