It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
You Might Also Like
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous