Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
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I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
Saving my good tweets for marriage
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
Hot pockets… cook on high for 1 minute, let cool for 27 years!
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.