It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
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[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?