Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
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Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
The French cow says MEUX…