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Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.