cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
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I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.