*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
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In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work