I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
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Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
Did…did a minotaur write this
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.