While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
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“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
work smarter, not harder
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
Me irl
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
I feel like one of these would kill a European
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf