All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
You Might Also Like
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!
Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.