BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
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I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
cyclists
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
Siri: Retweet me.