I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
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Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?