Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
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him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?