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son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
how to market bottled water to dads
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.