You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
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You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.