I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
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BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.