WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
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My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
Did…did a minotaur write this
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.