I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
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“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
Canada has crack?
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?