Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
You Might Also Like
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house