[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
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hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
A dead goose is called a ghoost
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
それは草
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.