The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
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I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”