King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
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They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
This cat wants you to take your pills
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
“you need to step outside your comfort zone” i have $17 in my bank account
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
Bloody internet 😳