All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
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I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage