13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
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Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer