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Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
Wind chimes prevent the air from sneaking up on you.
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
*aggressively waits in line*
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”