God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
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Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
an airline just for babies.
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.