A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
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(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
saw this in a dream
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears