In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
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What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.